Don’t want to muddy the water on your side of the pond so not doing much more than placing this here. Also clarifies I have no real other agenda with this than putting it out into the universe. And feel like a Crystal Girl Person (huh, normative), having done that.

So it’s been about two months now since I figured it out. How not to feel The Way I Have. It was pretty obvious a few hours in when it worked.

Yeah, it’d be super awesome, and much better received if it was an idea or abstinence or astral meditation or cardio or whatever, but it’s just a daily 300mg of bupropion. That a molecule would help must have been subconsciously resonant—you know I’ve tried many, I’ve “blogged” as Happiness is Chemical since 14, etc. Still ironically, buprop was invented in ‘69, and is pretty standard fare today. First tried 150mg in 2015 but didn’t bother with more when that didn’t help. Neither did my docs, tho I ran their shit. Didn’t think dose-response curves to be so obvious. Is hope the chicken or the egg? Classic.

I enjoy music again. Can’t remember when I last really did—at least a decade period five ago.

I biked to Tiburon, and I liked it. The taste of her cherry chapstick¡

I wake up, and sometimes have an appetite!

I work, and it’s… fine.

Platonic/casual social interactions aren’t basic clusterfucks.

Didn’t think coming could be any more enjoyable than it already was, pero like…

I might even be able to enjoy a Chalupa Supreme…?

There’s water under a bridge somewhere (read: self-indulgent coping isn’t great), and maybe gratitude to be had at having fun anyway but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. That said, I’d like to say that while our pandemicship had upsides and happiness, it was, like, tainted. I’d had a basically untreated chemical despresso (of norepinephrine and dopamine afaict) for upwards of a decade. Made me pretty desperate to ingratiate me to you. Having you around initially Literally made me feel like Things Were Okay. Pretty singularly. Makes some more sense in retrospect, but remember the first post on here? Grasping at straws. Had to nuke it. Not saying we wouldn’t have vibed otherwise but it’d likely have been less… try-hard fronting, on my part. The result of cognitive dissonance between a large ego wanting to be unabashedly itself, but backed by a chemically-deprived id. Lol, but true. You slowed down the cycle (see: love hormones) but inevitably unsustainably.

So yeah. /retro. Glad you know. And to be back, half a life later. Hope you’re doing well, and congrats on +1!